Still going

I've been trying to only blog when I'm in a good mood, but I haven't been in a good mood since last Wednesday. I don't want to use this public space just to whine and moan. My purpose here is more to inform my friends and family of my progress in life and to inform anyone else just what this is like. I'm discovering what it's like to teach for the first time, and seeing how I find it extremely dramatic and interesting, I thought others might like to discover it with me.

I just watched the movie, "Papillon" last night starring Steve McQueen and Dustin Hoffman. The whole movie is about their attempted escapes from prison in French New Guinea. In the movie, there are scenes of Steve McQueen, or Papillon, in solitary confinement that are just torturous. When Papillon goes through similar experences again, the audience is simply told of the ordeal. We aren't asked to watch it over and over again. In the same way, I don't want to burden my audience with reading the same depressing story over and over again. I should just be able to tell you that everything is the same as always and you'll understand.

I should also point out that solitary confinement in French New Guinea prison circa World War II does, in fact, seem much worse than teaching in SE DC. So at least there's that.

But I don't even know what to say. The end of the advisory period is on Friday and almost all of my students are failing. I was at work hours longer than usual on Thursday making up packets of all the worksheets all my students needed to still turn in knowing full well that even when I hand them each what they need personally, they are still not going to do it. I've been dealing with lots of parents lately coming to realize that they all either have no effect on their children, or talk a big game but really don't mean it. Look at my grade book and you'll see that I've only assigned a few real homework assignments all quarter, and it's those assignments I'm lucky to have 3 students that have turned it in. I try to play jeopardy review on the days before the tests I've given, but none of the students pay attention. I repeatedly tell them that about 80% of the test is exactly the same as the questions in Jeopardy, and they still don't pay attention. Instead, I hear whines of, "I don't get it" and then the second I try to explain it to them in a new way, they turn around and talk to a friend.

I was talking to another teacher and he was saying this job is the fastest and cheapest psychotherapy you can get. It makes you evaluate your life's purpose and worth very fast. I have never felt so ineffectual and pointless in my life. I have four students that eat lunch with me everyday. For all I can see, those four students are the only ones who care if I come in to work everyday. Now I know that that's not true. I know that in these kids lives, the fact that I am a consistent presence in their life may be more important than I can understand. Maybe I really am reaching some of the shy kids. Maybe I really am challenging some of the problem kids to evaulate what they want out of life. Because at this point I've stopped caring how much science the kids know when they leave my class - I just want these students to leave with some sort of life goal, or at least an understanding of the fact that they need goals. Right now I see a culture of defeatism. Everyone believes they will fail so much, and cares so little that they will because failure is all they've ever known, that they only hope to have a lot of fun and excitement on the way down. They don't even recognize the connection between studying and learning, or learning and succeeding. Was I this blind to the consequences of my actions when I was 13, or is it their culture? I probably was short-sighted in middle school as well, but my parents certainly weren't. They made sure I worked hard so I could get to where I am today. But these kids I'm teaching are being raised by kids who were raised by kids. This is a whole generation of children raised by un-wed teenage moms who are still living with Grandma if their lucky. You can pick the kids with fathers out of the crowd - they are the ones who are dressed decently and act politely around adults. The majority of these kids have no idea what proper manners are because their mothers and grandmothers have never modelled them before.

I mean just the other day I walk into the front office and see the mother of a girl who must be emotionally disturbed. I called home a couple nights in a row leaving messages about all the profanity and threats her daughter had been using in my classroom. When I tried to apologize to this mom for not returning her latest call, she says to me without ever even turning to face me, "I can't even talk to teachers right now. The only person I want to talk to is the principal. I am so mad." The more I think about this encounter, the more mad I get. How dare you show your daughter (who was standing right there) that it is expected and ok to show such aggression toward a teacher or lack of manners toward any adult. Especially an adult who has been suffering the presence of your daughter and meanwhile trying her hardest to teach the 23 other students in the room, nevermind this disturbed girl, too. How can we expect children coming out of households like these to ever succeed in school or the workforce? They've been taught to be rude and selfish and aggressive since birth. How can I be expected to teach children like this? When I see these kids only 2 or 3 times a week for 90 minutes, am I really supposed to revolutionize the way they approach other human beings and their own lives??

This is why I shouldn't blog when I'm upset...

But it is really catching up to me just how upset I am. I've past the point of nervous breakdown. I almost had one a few weeks ago but I didn't. I survived that. Now I'm just unhappy. I can barely remember what it is to have fun. I am never relaxed. When I get home and during the weekends, I am so drained and feeling down that all I want to do lay on the couch and watch tv allll day. And as I do this, I am feeling immense guilt and dread because I know that I have 6 hours of grading ahead of me and I don't have a clue what my classes are doing on Monday.

With that in mind, I need to go do that grading now. Oh but there is some good news. I got my DC driver's license, tags, parking permit and car title. And it only took like 45 minutes yesterday, too. I just waited until 2:00 in the afternoon to go, and it was fine. No line at all. So keep that in mind anyone who's moving to DC. Don't got to the DMV in the morning.

I'd also like to respond to the comment I got. I did call all of my 8th graders at the beginning of the year to introduce myself, so I figure that was kind of a positive phone call. I also called 7 parents last week and asked the parents to reward their children at home with a tasty dinner since their children were so great in my class. You had suggested I should call all parents with a positive message, and I do agree. But I just don't think I can. I hate calling home and it takes sooo much time. For every phone call I make, there's like 5 to 10 minutes of paperwork. Plus, I've made so many negative phone calls to some families already, it'd be hard to make a positive one. I might adapt your method and make a point of calling home to the typically bad kids on any one day they are good. Will they ever be good... I also wanted to call home everyone at least once a quarter, but again, I just don't want to take the time. When the day ends, calling parents is always the last thing I want to do.

Listen to me - I'm already a burned out teacher. This is so dissappointing. A few months ago, I loved kids and wanted to make a difference and loved teaching. Now it's the opposite. I gotta go grade now, though. Hopefully, I'll feel better soon and leave a more pleasant post.